Nah, it's just a horse.
Have you never seen a horse before?
No, no, it looks like a monster.
It's not, it's just a, it's just like a horse.
That's a relief.
They've been around for years.
You know the guy that screams in that record?
Yeah.
Er, in that band.
There's a crazy guy that, he just seems to be mad all the time.
He's properly nutty, I think, yeah.
Well that's what I was going to say.
I've heard he just screams all the time.
That literally if you go up to chat to him after a concert.
That's how he talks to you, apparently.
Yeah.
When he answers the phone.
I'm waving my arms around as well.
And when they signed their contract the other band did their signatures.
He just scrawled all over the thing, ripped it up, puked a little bit on the contract.
He's pure rock.
He's a pure little nugget.
He's a test tube rock man.
He's exploding everywhere.
Anyway that was the automatic in case you weren't familiar with that track.
Yeah and good morning this is Adam and Joe on XFM with you today till noon.
Our third hour has been curtailed and instead it's going to be the best of the X list.
That's right, yeah.
And, of course, after that, Mick Rock.
Is Mick still in the house?
Nick Rock.
Fantastic.
I just picked up a copy of Heat magazine.
Why did you do that, you idiot?
Well, cos it was lying around.
OK, you didn't buy it?
No, I didn't buy it cos I would never buy it.
And, er, but I went to go and get some... some food from the sandwich shop just before I came in, and it was lying on a table just outside.
So you stole it?
So I thought, well, no-one wanted it, you know, it was lying there.
So I thought, I'll have that, I'll have that copy of Heat magazine.
I might be able to ask Joe about Nicky.
because there's an interview with Nicky there.
She's answering all your questions at last.
I don't have any questions.
You do.
You know all those questions you've got.
I don't think anyone has any questions apart from, will you go away?
Well, she's answering that.
Does she answer that one?
She's answering that question.
Why don't you sod off?
And others.
I want to find out.
You mad haystack.
You haven't read that issue of Heat, have you?
No, I haven't read any issue of Heat for about ten years.
I'm gonna test you on Nicky's questions and answers later on.
But then while I was, after I took the mag, it suddenly occurred to me, maybe it's a heat... advertisement.
Maybe it's an outdoor heater.
No, no, it's not.
I never thought that it was a heater for a second.
I always knew it was a magazine.
But I thought maybe it's like an advertisement and they've planted a copy of Heat.
And you're being filmed.
And they're being, you know.
And you'll turn up on telly.
Yeah.
I can't resist heat.
It would be the first time I've been on telly for a while, so I'm quite excited.
Yeah, well, that's something to look forward to.
Prize-wise, this morning, listeners, we've got a pair of tickets to an exclusive XFM screening of Clerks II.
I never know whether to say Clerks or Clerks.
Well, the Americans say Clerks, don't they?
We say Clerks.
OK.
Well, then it's Clerks 2 on the 20th of September.
That's exciting.
It's supposed to be very funny.
Is it even funnier than the original?
Yeah, it's very funny.
They've somehow managed to pack more laughs in than the original.
Fantastic.
And wait for it.
Two copies of Scrubs, the complete fourth series.
Scrubs, starring Zach Raff.
Is that what he's called?
Zac Braff.
Ladies love Zac Braff.
They love a bit.
He's a sort of scraggly haired, anxious looking, sexy nerd.
He's a sexy mop top.
He's sort of David Schwimmer gone right.
He's like a nerdy, even more nerdy internet version of David Schwimmer.
Yeah, because women don't really like David Schwimmer.
Today you can see that he's too kinda like this.
He's too whiny.
He's too pathetic and whiny.
Exactly.
Whereas Braff has got an off-kilter sense of humour.
Yeah, but apparently he's a bit of a dork.
Off-screen, I hear.
Well, I did, I saw him on Punk'd.
And he was an idiot.
Right, right, right.
I've seen some of his blogs on the internet as well.
He's a nerd!
He's a nerd.
He's a lovable nerd.
Anyway, we've also got great music and a few free plays that we're going to stick in.
Plus a crap commentary competition in a second, sorry.
Yes, exactly.
Anyway, here's the first of our free plays.
Yeah, stay tuned for a crap commentary.
We'll probably do that very soon.
But first, here's Lou Reed.
That's Lou Reed with Crazy Feeling from the album Coney Island Baby.
This is Adam and Joe here on XFM and it is...
You just never know.
So sharpen up your brain and get ready to play!
That's told everyone that it's competition time, but what competition is it?
Which competition is it?
That's what we need to know next.
So any minute now, we will know.
Oh, is that jingle?
I think that's jingle overload.
I think that's over the nutritionally recommended limit for jingles on a Saturday morning.
We're going to have just jingles this programme.
A pure jingle show?
Yes, all going to be jingle.
That'll be quite good.
We should just do all the links in jingle form.
Yeah.
That'll be unlistenable.
Anyway, yeah, it's crap commentary corner time.
Don't forget the number is 0 8 7 1 2 2 2 1 0 4 9.
That's 0 8 7 1 2 2 2 1 0 4 9.
If you can guess the answer to this competition, and the competition goes like this.
We play you an excerpt from a DVD commentary.
This week, it's an actress telling us about the experience of making one of her films.
You just have to call 08712221049 and tell us who the actress is and what the film that she's talking about is.
Now, we've had this lady on before.
She's very, very sexy and very, very stupid, which makes her even sexier, in my opinion.
That's my favourite combo.
Favourite type of lady.
But we've never had her talking about this film before.
right that's good enough is that good enough yeah so uh so so here we go with clip number one who's this lady and what film is she talking about
Hello, my name is and I am starved and I'm here to do the commentary and I brought my two Little friends with me.
They're my two miniature Maltese.
So in case you hear bark or something What what bubble Bubble
What, Bubble?
She turns into, like, the costume lady from The Incredibles.
What, Bubble?
What is it, you little miniature barking poof?
I'd like to be one of her dogs.
Can you imagine?
I thought she was going to talk about something else at the beginning.
I'm here with my two friends, and I'm just going to jiggle them.
Oh, that would have been quite good.
Shall we hear clip number two?
Don't forget 08712221049 if you can tell what actress this is and what movie she's talking about.
Here's clip number two.
This is gross.
I can't watch this.
This is awful.
It's the funniest thing because I'm totally like one of those people that
I do all these action films, but I can't actually watch them back because... What is the point?
What is the point?
Of having that commentary?
Yeah.
What did anyone learn from that?
I'll tell you what the point is.
What?
So we can make a competition out of it.
I think that's the sole point now of issuing those things.
That's right.
Adam and Joe need some more stuff for their crap commentary corner.
Could you come into the studio on Tuesday and just talk a load of total crap?
Well, that's what she did, and if you know who she is, 0-8-7-1-2-2-2-1-0-4-9.
If it's too tricky, we've got another good clip coming up, but in the meantime, here are, I believe it is, the athlete.
Very nice.
That's The Coral with In The Morning.
Now, we are in the midst of our competition, Crap Commentary Corner, and we should probably remind people who the voice is of this week's competition.
We're not gonna tell them who the voice is.
No, but I mean play them the voice.
I just ate her hair.
That was horrible.
Where did that come from?
What, like a rabbit?
Dunno.
No, just a hair.
Anyway, we've got Lee on the line who thinks he knows who it is.
Is he called Leon or Lee?
Just Lee, I think.
Hello, Lee.
Hiya.
How you doing?
What's up?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, good stuff.
And so are we going to play another clip?
Yeah, let's play another clip.
Let's play one more clip of this nice lady.
How confident are you, Lee?
Not very confident.
I'll have another think while you hear this clip.
Woohoo.
Well, obviously,
You know, Kurt wanted, like, a gratuitous shot of my butt, so that's what this is for, I would imagine.
Apart from the fact that it looks really cool.
Took so long to get the lights ready this day.
Okay, honey, go back to one.
Drop the robe.
She is... I think I know who it is, and the thing is that she is very attractive.
She's got a sensational butt.
Yeah.
Lee?
What do you reckon, Lee?
Sandra Bullock talk us through your reasoning there.
Have you ever seen Bullock interviewed?
She does she's not a she's not a goof bag.
She's quite intelligent Sandra Bullock
What?
You're costing aspersions over Bullock's genius.
That's not Bullock.
It's not Bullock.
Lee, you're wrong.
OK.
I'm sorry about that.
No problem.
Good try, though.
Is there any way we can reward Lee?
I don't think so.
I think he should be shamed.
We've got to reward Lee somehow.
Xanthi, are you into a box set of scrubs, Lee?
Yes, I am.
OK, we'll send that to you.
So the competition is still open.
0-8-7-1-triple-two-one-o-four-nine, if you know who that lady is.
Thanks very much for calling, Lee.
We appreciate that.
Thanks, Lee.
She's a lot, um... It would be rude to say stupider than Sandra Bullock, but she's a lot more sort of fancy-free.
Carefree.
I think stupid is probably the word you're looking for.
She's just more full of fun.
Sandra Bullock's a, you know, a very somber lady who's interested in politics.
This lady's just a party girl who likes to have fun all the time.
Yeah, no, I've got no right to call anyone stupid, but full of fun is a much better way of putting it.
Yeah, only just there's nothing but fun.
She's full of fun.
She's stuffed full of fun.
You're really full of fun.
Just driven out everything else from Insider.
So 0-8-7-1-triple-2-1-0-4-9, if you know who that is.
Give us a call.
In the meantime, here's Scott Matthews.
Always really nice.
That is nice.
That's elusive by Scott Matthews, and that's taken from his album Passing Stranger, which is very good, I recommend it.
Now, we're having a problem.
Yeah, we're having a... This is, for the first time ever, I think.
Unusual.
Nobody's getting this crap commentary competition.
Everyone's just randomly saying the names of women.
We've had people like... Courtney Love.
Courtney Love.
That's not right.
Paris Hilton.
Paris Hilton is a good guess.
This is in the right area.
It's a kind of ditzy, slightly insane lady.
But we're going to give you some more clues.
Jessica Simpson, people are saying it's none of those.
Do you know what?
Here's one clue.
What?
She's much sexier than any of those.
That's true.
She's in a film where she falls out of the sky and lands in the back of a cab.
And she can't speak English and she's wearing tiny little bandages.
And it just makes the film brilliant because regardless of the story or anybody else in it, you can, as a man or a lady who likes ladies, sit there happily waiting for one of her nipples to pop out, which alone, which never happens.
But but, you know, the dream is worth clinging on to.
It certainly is.
It's popped up in my subconscious many a time.
She's so attractive that the fact that she's as fun-loving and ditzy as she is makes her even more attractive.
And she's also starred, these are very big clues, she's also starred in quite a lot of video game adaptations.
Yeah.
She's queen of the video game adaptation.
So this is a fairly recent film, right?
It is, it's a very recent film.
Yeah.
And in terms of DVD release, 0 8 7 1, triple 2, 1 0 4 9, it's also a stinker.
So I wouldn't be surprised if no one had seen it.
One more clip maybe?
Okay, this is her saying goodbye at the end of the commentary.
Yay!
So thank you so much.
It was really fun talking to y'all, and I hope you enjoyed the movie.
Bye!
She's so fun.
Listen, just play the next clip, number five, because this is her saying what you've just heard her say, but this is slowed down, and listen to how she sounds like an enormous friendly monster.
So thank you so much It was really fun talking to y'all and I hope you enjoyed the movie
Who is that?
That was slowed down, of course.
Call 08712221049.
Amazing prizes to be won if you can solve this apparently impossible competition.
We'll be back soon.
Chelsea Dagger, that's the Fartellis.
This is Adam and Joe here on XFM.
And I think we have someone on the line who might even have the right answer.
Is he called Ed?
Yes, he is.
Yeah.
Hello, Ed.
Hello, Adam and Joe.
Ed, you sound a tiny bit sarcastic.
No, I'm not sarcastic.
I'm a bit sarcastic.
OK, so I'm sorry to accuse you of being sarcastic.
Why are you tired?
What were you doing last night, Ed?
Really?
Eco-related accessories?
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Just focus on this.
Shut up.
He can plug his show.
He's got to earn the right to plug his show by making us laugh by slightly mocking his girlfriend's eco-related accessory.
What are they?
What sort of thing?
They're sort of bags and necklaces made out of found materials and things.
They're lovely.
They're really beautiful.
Necklaces made out of frozen peas.
So they find like broken chairs and old suitcases and cut them up and make beautiful bags out of them.
Who's going to buy that, mate?
Who's going to buy that?
People want new bags.
People want new necklaces.
Who's going to buy it?
Wasting their time.
Ed, in your house, have you got like furniture made out of boxes and stuff?
Are you a tramp?
We've just got lots and lots of broken furniture.
Are you Stig of the Dump?
Yeah, I am sick of the dump.
You're like contemporary cave people.
Exactly.
So listen, Ed, you've been listening to our crap commentary competition.
Do you think you know the identity of the sexy woman who we... Let's just remind listeners of what she sounds like.
Woohoo!
Well, obviously, you know, Kurt wanted like a gratuitous shot of my butt, so that's what this is for, I would imagine.
Yeah, there you go.
So what do you think, Ed?
Who is that?
I think it's Mila Jovic, the girl from The Fifth Element.
Completely correct.
You pronounced her name very well.
Do you know what film that is?
I thought it was Resident Evil 2 or something, but... No.
Probably not.
What's she been in recently?
I don't know.
You kind of haven't officially won, really.
Oh, okay.
Can you give me a clue, maybe?
Well, I'll give you... We'll just tell you what it is.
It's Ultraviolet.
Oh, yeah, okay.
Yeah, have you seen that one?
No, I saw the poster.
Yeah, well that's good enough.
I think you can say you have seen it.
No, you have seen it.
Yeah, I've seen it.
It's good, yeah.
She just waves her sword around and that's pretty much it.
And shows her bum.
Her lovely butox.
So congratulations, Ed.
What pride?
Do you want to win a copy of Zach Braff's Scrubs?
Do you have anything else to offer?
Well, you could take the tickets to the Clark's screening.
Yeah, that's a good price.
That's a good price.
Oh, yeah.
The screening of the original Clark's or the new?
The new Clark's too.
Oh, that would be awesome.
Thank you so much.
OK, one pair of tickets to that coming to you.
So go on.
Give your girlfriend's show another plug.
Where is it happening?
It's at a place called Trinity Boy Wharf, which is just opposite the Millennium Dome, South River.
It's called the Eco Design 2006.
Come down today.
Starts now to finish in the sixth.
Yeah, get there fast, because most of her products will have decomposed by half past twelve.
So hurry!
Has she got any bracelets made out of fruit winders?
No, that's not what we missed out on, man!
You know, if she did, they'd probably last about a hundred years.
Additives.
Anyway, thanks very much indeed for calling in, Ed.
Cheers.
Thank you, guys.
Bye.
Bye-bye.
Okie-dokie, it's time for another free play now.
This is one that our producer Xanthi brought in.
What's the name of the band?
North of Ping Pong.
And it starts off with a guy trying to hail a cab on a Friday night or whatever it is.
Yeah, this is a slice of life song.
Having no luck.
It's kind of like, it's almost like the streets except with a better sense of humour, isn't it?
Yeah, it's good.
Check this out.
This is crazy.
Come on, mate.
Thought I'd take a rain check on the cheese grater.
Xanthi, this is fairly strong for a Saturday morning.
We're having to switch this off because it's lyrically naughty.
That's good, though.
Get your coat, Xanthi.
You're so fired.
Again.
For the sixth time, this one.
That was fantastic.
I really like that.
The chorus is great.
What's going on with the vocals there?
They turn into a kind of weird harmonium.
Yeah, yeah.
Is that the right word?
That's really, really good.
Sounds like the specials or something all updated.
what are they called again?
they're called north of ping pong north of ping pong watch out for them they're a hot tip for the top yeah you heard it here first this is adam and joe on xfm now very shortly it's going to be time for the news then we're into our second and final hour this week the news the news we can't afford to have the news we've only got two hours nothing important has happened has it the pope said something stupid and is going to spark off the third world war uh that's all that's happened there's the guy who's been held on suspicion of
talking about bombing the Houses of Parliament and did you read about that guy?
No.
He was just, he's being cross-examined, they picked him up in 2004 I think on suspicion of maybe being involved in some like terror stuff right and he was just talking about, yesterday we were just reporting the fact that he was talking about
by, you know, blowing up the Houses of Parliament like as a joke with his mates, and this has turned into a really big part of the trial.
I'm gonna call the police and report you for talking about them talking about it.
That's probably true, isn't it?
And you're gonna be arrested.
Is it true that you said on a radio show that you were talking about someone blowing up the Houses of Parliament and you sort of giggled about it as if it was amusing?
Yes.
Would you stand up for me?
No.
You'd shock me immediately.
I'd turn you in instantly.
To Tony Blair's thought police.
Tony B Liar's thought Gestapo.
Who needs the news after that?
That was the news.
We should be balanced though, shouldn't we?
Yeah, he's wicked.
He's cool.
He's brilliant.
I hope he carries on ruling for years.
So do I. He's only... He's improved the place massively.
I think he's done a nice job.
He's made the atmosphere in the country really wicked.
Everybody's friendly and everything's fine.
And you know, finally, after years and years, it's possible to have a nice time.
Thanks, Tony Blair.
Big thumbs up.
Thanks, Tony.
Coming up in the second out, I want to play you a Bob Dylan track from his new album, which is really good.
But there's a couple of lyrics in there that I want to ask you, Joe, about.
If you have the album, I'm sure you'll know what I'm talking about, listeners.
Bob Dylan.
It's all right, Joe.
Don't worry.
We're just doing this radio show.
I thought you mentioned my name.
I was reading.
What are you reading?
Texts.
He loves to read texts.
Someone's saying the video to that single, What Goes Up, is brilliant.
Xanthi's saying it is.
Has it?
Really?
What, Ray Winstone?
No.
That's probably on YouTube, don't you reckon?
Yeah, we'd better check that out.
North of Ping Pong website.
Okie dokie, we'll be back after the news and some music.
This is Adam and Joe.
XFM.
There's a little jazz accord at the end there.
Yeah, it sounds like it's going to become a completely different song at the end.
It's like... A sort of a lounge number.
Mm-hmm.
It's like a sort of sting for friends or something.
Exactly, yeah.
Just before the break.
That's right.
Oh, Monica, I've lost my book.
that sounds like an exciting episode that's the one where ross loses his book where where is it in the end he it turns up under the bed under the bed but guess who's bed who's phoebe's oh no imagine she's so ditzy she forgot it was there she thought it was a plant did she yeah that's a brilliant you should make notes she wrote a song about it you should write a spec script for friends i did this is what happened
Really?
Yeah.
It's Friends, aren't they?
They've cancelled it, haven't they?
That's right, yeah.
It was the final one years ago, wasn't it?
What are you talking about?
I don't know.
Friends.
They cancelled it?
Yeah, man.
Oh, that's why I haven't heard anything back about the script.
About your script.
Well, maybe you'll get to it right for scrubs.
OK.
Starring Zach Braff.
I'll send it to the scrubbers.
By the way, this is Adam and Joe on XFM.
We're here for another just under 50 minutes, just over 50 minutes.
Mm, 52 and a half.
52 minutes.
Coming up at noon is, of course, the best of the X list.
And then at one, it's Mick Rock live from New York with all the latest rock gossip.
When I say the latest rock gossip, I mean rock gossip from the 60s.
This is Mick Rock live from New York, the city.
This is me, right?
New York, the city.
So that's coming up.
That's going to be exciting.
And is it time for a text competition?
Yeah, why not?
Which one are we going to do?
I don't mind.
We could do the Banksy thing.
OK.
All right, listeners, here's our text competition this week.
Some of you might know the contemporary artist Banksy.
Right, he does kind of thought-provoking graffiti around London.
He's probably the most famous, one of the most famous graffiti artists in the world, Banksy, wouldn't you say?
Surely, certainly in the UK.
Certainly in the UK.
Now, he's over in Los Angeles, and this weekend he's opened a special exhibition, and it's the talk of Tinseltown.
It's the tinsel of talk town, as well.
You have to, er, you get, it's a bit like a rave.
There's pictures of Brad and Angelina.
Yeah, they visited it.
At the show, yeah.
Anybody who is anybody is visiting the Banksy show in LA.
He only released the address two hours before it opened.
So it's like an underground rave.
Did he spray it on someone's face?
Probably.
And it's in a warehouse.
Did he write it on a policeman's forehead?
Probably.
You're pre-empting the competition slightly here.
Some of Banks's works of art in the exhibition include, the exhibition's called Barely Legal and some of the exhibits include a classical painting of a woman reclining with dogs staring out of a window at a beautiful countryside vista in oils and in the middle in oils is a system error window on a computer.
He's painted a computer system error window in the middle of a classical oil painting.
it says a system error has occurred reset or cancel clever huh yeah that why i don't understand that one come on because it's juxtaposing a modern problem problem with an old painting painting yeah here's another one yeah he's built a living room uh he's papered it with flop wallpaper right like old style 50s style yeah yeah yeah mom and dad might have had granny and nanny
Wise up.
There's an elephant, a live elephant in this living room and the elephant is painted with flocked wallpaper as well.
Is it a statement about colonialism?
or cruelty to elephants?
The elephant doesn't look very happy.
Or is it just about wallpaper?
Like, why don't they get some better wallpaper?
This probably is what it's about.
You know, he's fed up with the wallpaper.
OK, how about this one?
Another period oil painting, this time of a rearing stallion, you know, one of those beautiful 18th century pictures of a horse, a beautiful horse.
It's rearing up, but riding on its back is a riot policeman brandishing a scythe.
Right.
Thought-provoking.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
There's an image of the HMV dog with a bazooka aimed at the gramophone.
Okay, so it's Banksy's main modus operandi, or modus operandum, to use the singular.
Latin, correct.
is to juxtapose the fiercely modern with the very cosy and traditional.
Yeah, or put a subversive twist on things we're very familiar with.
For instance, the Paramount logo at the beginning of the Paramount Pictures movies.
He's changed the word Paramount to paranoid.
Yeah?
He's a little bit, he's on the very verge of like doing those kind of t-shirts.
Exactly.
The Pope smokes dope.
Adihash and things like that.
So basically our text competition listeners says come up with your own Banksy-esque bit of subversive art.
We want the best idea for a bit of Banksy-style subversive art.
Texted to X, what, 83XFM, if you can think of anything.
Here's another one.
His most famous one was a phone box sort of crumpled as if it had fallen to the ground, like kind of like a slouched corpse with a pickaxe in it.
Yeah.
Is that a comment about street crime?
I don't know.
Probably not.
Is it about just people shouldn't, should take more care of phone boxes?
It was a red telephone box.
It was.
Do you want to hear my idea for a Banksy style work of art?
Yeah, hit me.
Nelson's column, only instead of the telescope, you replace the telescope with a big jazz cigarette.
Because Nelson's, yeah?
Yeah.
Smoking joint.
Yeah.
He does it over, he does it in the night.
In the night.
And in the morning, people on the way to work can't believe it.
Well, there's something wrong with the landscape.
Lord Nelson, the proud icon of Britain's past, has been subverted by Banksy.
Lord Nelson will never smoke a spliffy.
I'm going to write to someone.
Banksy's dirty.
Imagine.
So send in your Banksy style subversive art ideas to 83XFM quick as you can.
There's only 45 minutes left and we'll give an amazing prize to the best one.
Here are the Zutons.
Look what you have done, Stacey!
Look what you've done!
Wipe it up, Stacey!
Wipe it up otherwise!
I will smack you all, Stacey!
It's a horrific little portrait you've painted there.
Isn't it?
Frightening stuff.
Of domestic angst.
Now, how do you feel, Joe Cornish, about documentaries that more or less are just an excuse to play a load of indie music that the producer likes?
I feel very angry about it.
Yeah, good.
And I want someone to do a little segment.
Do you know what I'm saying, though, Xanthi?
You watch, like, a thing on... And I've voiced over a couple of these things myself, so I should know things.
And I'm not talking about anything specifically.
Now, when you say documentaries, do you mean proper documentaries, or the kind of thing that passes for a documentary... Well, Joe, that's a whole conversation in itself, isn't it?
What do you think?
What is a documentary these days, and what is not?
I don't know.
I'm just going for a little nap.
Tell us, so what makes you angry?
Because the BBC do it a lot, don't they?
I'll tell you what I'm talking about, I'm talking about things like some overview of a family on a council estate or whatever, or maybe some investigative thing, just
And it's just wall-to-wall indie hits and quite good music a lot of the time, you know what I mean?
Music that people care about and love.
But they only ever use the first... It's a bit... They do it in movies as well a lot, don't they?
They just use the very beginning of a record to get you excited and then fade it out after about 10 seconds.
In movies at least...
Yeah, in movies at least they're setting a kind of emotional scene, do you know what I mean?
That's very seldom the case in documentaries.
It's purely illustrative in the most banal way.
It's abusing and exploiting the power of the very beginning of a good record.
Yeah.
It's kind of like exploiting that little burst of excitement you get.
I've done my own version.
Oh good.
Of a fictional crap documentary, lazily peppered with great music.
And this is called Jimmy Big Nuts Investigates, this documentary.
I'm obsessed with Jimmy Big Nuts.
And here it is.
Tonight on Jimmy Big Nuts Investigates, Jimmy travels to Russia to track down the men behind a scam.
Upon arrival in Russia Jimmy hires a car which he drives to a town But when he gets to the town it's completely deserted Except for a couple of horses
Jimmy manages to climb onto one of the horses and rides to a nearby village where he waits for a man.
Finally the man arrives and Jimmy Big Nuts asks him a question about the scam.
The man says he can take Jimmy to the place where the scam happens.
But when Jimmy gets there, he finds that the man behind the scam has gone and won't be back until late November.
With all hope of uncovering the scam gone, Jimmy Big Nuts is forced to go home.
That's the end of the Jimmy Big Nuts.
What an amazing story.
It was quite a convenient series of events, musically speaking.
It's all real.
Really?
It just happened to match those records.
Yeah, yeah.
That's what happened.
You know, the story was there.
He investigated.
I found the appropriate music for the story.
That's how it works.
That was brilliant.
When's that on the Jimmy Big Nuts show?
It's been cancelled.
That's a shame.
It used to be on Sky every day, all the time.
Wow.
It's how funny, how strange that I missed it.
That's right.
OK, free play now.
This is one of yours, Joe.
Yeah, this is from the new Blue Tones album that's being released on October the 9th.
I think the album's called Surrender, but it's fantastic and this is a great track.
It's not the single, it's an album track that I've chosen myself.
It's called Head on a Spike.
This is the Blue Tones.
That's right.
We're just talking about the dove advert with the sexy but normal-looking ladies.
Have you seen that one, Joe?
Yeah, I don't like normal ladies.
Well, that's your problem though, I think.
I like models.
They're saucy.
Bring back models.
They're lovely.
That was Jack Johnson, sitting, waiting, wishing.
This is Adam and Joe here on XFM.
Yeah, and we're running our text competition.
Listeners, we've been asking you to come up with Banksy-style contemporary art ideas, and we've had some very good ones in.
Yeah, well, hit me.
OK, here they come.
No, just hit me.
I'd like to, I can't reach you there across the desk.
I'll do it later.
Just kick me later on.
Yeah, okay.
So let's begin.
Here's the first one.
Velasquez's, Velasquez, his famous picture, Lathmenas.
Oh, this is going badly, isn't it?
Lathmeninas.
Okay, that painting, accompanied by a heatstroke hallow style magazine label, you know, with the bits of flab ringed.
That's quite a good idea, isn't it?
That is a brilliant idea.
Like, oops, and that sort of thing, you know?
Yeah, that's genius, man.
Who's that from?
I think that's an anonymous one.
That's the winner right there.
Do you think?
Well there's other good ones.
How about this?
Ben Miller from Clapham, well this isn't so good really Ben, says put red and green flashing landing lights on all London's pigeons.
That's a bit ambitious to put them on all the pigeons.
Mind you, Redken's killed most of the pigeons, hasn't he?
He's mangled their feet.
He's done a pigeon cull, so there's not many left.
It might not take long.
Okay, how about this one?
Matt in Reading says, like a model of Tracey Emin's bedroom, after her mum's been round and tidied it up and done her washing.
That's nice.
And neatly folded it and popped it on the bed.
that's quite a good idea isn't it that's good dave suggests uh six people running around a greyhound track being watched by an audience of greyhounds you flipped it around there dave this is a good one helen says uh imagine the statue of liberty but instead of holding whatever she's holding the bill of rights whatever it is holding a copy of heat magazine
Heat magazine.
Yeah?
Yeah, even the Statue of Liberty.
That would be a good advert.
Heat magazine are probably working on that for their own advertising.
For their own American launch, exactly.
Yeah.
Uh, Ayn says, uh, in reference to that famous sculpture of a boy holding a dolphin's fin in Chelsea.
That's brilliant sculpture.
What about replacing the dolphin with a games console controller?
Cos kids are obsessed with... Yeah.
You know, next week on Tonight with Trevor McDonald, they've got a whole thing about are kids addicted to video games?
Really?
Can you believe they're recycling that old chestnut again?
Man, I look forward to that.
Let's video that.
Okay.
And talk about it.
Here's another one.
Did I say this one from Phil?
A traffic light with three red lights on it.
Nice.
I think that might have been done before.
Stop.
Exactly.
And here's a good one from Jo in Highgate.
The snap, snap, crackle and pop are the characters from Rice Krispies and basically what she's suggesting is that they are in hoodies and they're lurking kind of, you know, they're standing on the packet by the bowl of Rice Krispies.
She's suggesting they're wearing hoodies, they're looking shady and they're smoking ciggies and maybe they've got weapons.
How about this?
crack, snapple, and rock, they could be called.
Because one of them smokes crack, the other one's got a rock of crack, and the other one's got a snapple.
So keep them coming in to 83XFM.
We'll, uh, you know, we think there's a better one out there somewhere.
I'd be amazed if anyone gets better than that Velasquez one.
Okay, we'll see if you can beat that on 83XFM.
I had one.
This might be better.
Go on then.
What about this?
A full-sized London bus, full of people,
but you get rid of all the doors so there's no doors and you only notice it after a bit that there's actually no way in or out to the bus but yet it's full of people it's just like a big red box big coffin yeah what does that mean that means that we're sort of uh living in death
In a big red bus.
That's quite good, isn't it?
Yeah.
I don't know what it means.
OK.
That probably means it's quite good.
Listen, I just got busted by some of our intelligent listeners.
For getting your Latin wrong.
For getting my Latin wrong.
I think this is the first time this has ever happened on any radio programme.
That's right.
DJ is corrected by saying, for boasting about the fact that I was saying modus operandum, thinking that it was a singular, actually modus operandi is genitive, not plural, so it is the right word to use, is that right?
You know, I don't understand, and I wasn't paying attention in Latin.
No, that's because it was really quite boring.
It was quite boring.
The Romans, they go over the bridge.
That's English.
Yeah, but that's a tense, isn't it?
That's like a perfect subjunctive.
I don't know and I don't understand.
Play some stupid rock music.
That was very good, wasn't it?
That was The View with Superstar Tradesman.
Very good.
Well done, The View.
Maybe they should call themselves The Vue.
Yeah, The Vue Leicester Square.
V-U-E.
The Vue.
What a marvellous Vue.
Look at The Vue.
Why do they call themselves Vue?
You know what I'm talking about?
The cinemas?
V-U-E.
What is that?
Yeah, yeah, I know what you're talking about.
What is it?
What does it mean?
The Vue cinema.
They're a chain of cinemas.
And it's like, enjoy the Vue.
In fact, that's their logo, isn't it?
It's a big sort of frame floating in the clouds.
So why not spell it V-I-E-W?
Yeah, they've got to spell it special, because they're special.
The.
Vue.
A room with a the.
so listen our text competition is still underway and thanks to everybody who's uh texted in we're getting some very high quality art ideas it's almost as if it's quite easy to be Banksy no man don't forget we've got creative listeners that's true unusually creative that's true okay so do you want to hear some more yeah uh phil has suggested and i really like this one a zebra crossing on a motorway
Isn't that quite brilliant?
That's brilliant, man.
Phil, you're clever.
Maybe Phil is an artist.
I should also say that the guy that thought of the Velathqueth one... Am I saying that right?
Velathqueth Velathqueth Velathqueth Velathqueth Velathqueth Velathqueth Velathqueth Velathqueth Velathqueth Velathqueth Velathqueth Velathqueth Velathqueth Velathqueth Velathqueth Velathqueth Velathqueth Velathqueth Velathqueth Velathqueth Velathqueth Velathqueth Velathqueth Velathqueth Velathqueth Velathqueth Velathqueth Velathqueth Velathqueth Velathqueth Velathqueth Velathqueth Velathqueth Velathqueth Velathqueth Velathqueth Velathqueth Velathqueth Velathqueth Velathqueth Velathqueth Velathqueth Velathqueth Velathqueth Vel
Doesn't look a thing like Jesus.
What are you talking about?
Sorry.
How could you have mistaken him for the Messiah?
I'm really sorry.
I just wanted to write a song.
It's artistic license.
Well, he doesn't look a thing like Jesus.
This is Adam and Joe on XFM.
We've got about 12 minutes of our show left.
Coming up at noon is the best of the X-list.
Then coming up at one is Mick Rockles, live from New York.
But first of all, we're going to close our Banksy-style art text competition.
We've been asking you to text in, you know, what you would do to get one up on Banksy, a kind of subversive street art idea.
And we've got Phil on the line.
It's a bank off.
Hello, Phil.
Hello.
How you doing?
Not too bad.
Enjoying my Saturday off.
Good.
Are you a professional artist?
No, but I've also got other ideas which probably couldn't be broadcast.
Yeah, yeah.
Keep them to yourself if they're rude.
What do you do?
What's your main line of work then, Phil?
I do flooring.
Anything to do with wood stripping it.
You're wasting your time.
You realise that your ideas are as good as Banksy's and you realise that nothing in his show sold for less than £100,000.
Well, that's it then.
pack in the flooring.
Well this is a very good idea, I mean it's a kind of a lethal idea.
Yeah!
But it's thought provoking, just explain it, you sound excited about the lethal aspect in particular.
Well it's completely useless, I mean no one really walks on the motorway, the traffic hardly moves on the motorway so why not stick one there?
Just describe it again, what your idea is in simple terms.
So there'd be obviously, it would be shocking to people, there'd be death would result for the drivers approaching it and slowing down and for the pedestrians crossing it.
But what would it be saying there Phil, what are you saying?
Generally, it's completely useless.
I mean, the modern stuff is absolute crap.
Well now, steady on Phil, steady on Phil.
Listen, I think that you don't know how good your own ideas are.
I think what your idea is saying is that modern life is so fast that normal roads have become like motorways.
And getting anywhere in life, you might as well be walking across a zebra crossing on a motorway.
Do you know what I mean?
you've done it so brilliantly and you've used you know existing things in the world and counterpointed them in an exciting and meaningful way you're you're more brilliant than you realize how about this Phil you come up with the ideas and we explain them to people yeah we'll manage yeah no 80 20 Joe drives a hard bargain so congratulations you're the winner of our text competition today yeah well you've got a choice I'm afraid the tickets to
Clark's too have gone.
I've lost my piece of paper.
We've got some hobnobs.
How about a copy of Scrubs?
That's all.
You've got no choice.
Oh, copy of what?
Scrubs.
It's like the American version of Green Wing.
Yeah.
Right, well I'll give it to somebody else.
I'll give you their address instead.
I'm very charitable like that.
Oh, that's good of you.
Phil, well done.
And thanks a lot for listening and for texting in and stuff.
That was brilliant.
No problem.
You are brilliant.
I'll be very jealous.
Have a good weekend, man.
You too.
Cheers, take care.
He's a very nice chap, wasn't he?
That is a brilliant idea.
But I have to say that the Velazquez one with the Heat additions was excellent as well.
Yeah, from what's-his-name Richard, was it?
Thanks, Richard.
Sorry, I think we might have kept you hanging on and then just cruelly cut you off.
Thank you very much to everyone who texted in.
All your suggestions were brilliant and we really appreciate them.
Now, on an art tip, here's a track from someone that every self-respecting artist
would have enjoyed at some point.
This is Captain Beefheart and the Magic Band.
This is from the reissued album Shiny Beast Bracket's Bat Chain Puller.
Not a typical bit of XFM music and not necessarily typical of Captain Beefheart either but it's really good.
Harry Irene this is called.
It's got a kind of Parisian flavour to it.
Yeah, a little bit of Reeve goes whistling.
Yeah.
That's a beef heart in the Magic Band with Harry, Irene.
This is Adam and Joe here on XFM.
Now, Joe, I don't suppose you've got the new Bob Dylan album, do you?
No.
Modern Times, it's called.
And it's number one, I think, or at least it was for a little bit.
And the opening track, Thunder on the Mountain, it's a really good album by the way.
The best thing about it is that he's not trying in any way to sound modern.
Do you know what I mean?
It's just the sound of an old bloke... He hasn't got Timberland in to produce him?
No.
It's just the sound of an old bloke doing some old bloke music with some other old blokes and it's really nice and your mum would like it but it is...
really good you know his voice has totally changed as well it's like a real old croaky yoda voice he's got he is turning into yoda essentially bob dylan uh but he doesn't speak backwards the only concession he makes to modern times uh is some some lyrical flourishes like on the first track check this out uh listen to what he's singing about
Couldn't keep them quiet when she was born in Hell's Kitchen I was living down the line I'm wondering where in the world at least your kids could be I've been looking for her even clear through Tennessee
So he's banging into Alicia Keys.
Yeah, was he suggesting that... Was he born in Hell's Kitchen?
Bob Dylan?
Where was Bob Dylan born?
She was born.
He's saying, I was thinking about Alicia Keys, couldn't help from crying, but when she was born in Hell's Kitchen, I was living down the line.
Well, there we go.
So he's imagining her being born while he was living just down the street, does he mean?
Yeah, I suppose so.
And now she's grown up into a beautiful woman.
Right.
And he's thinking, why didn't I make friends with her mum or babysit?
And then I'd be in there, you know, with Alicia.
Why didn't I make a move sooner?
She was down the road.
Now she's foxy.
She is a very beautiful lady, Alicia Keys.
I can imagine her and Bob Dylan making sweet love.
There was a rumour I heard.
Like a tortoise eating some sort of a fresh fruit.
Delicious, young mango.
I heard some... Unsubstantiated rumour that he was snogging Lisa Lohan?
Lindsay Lohan?
No.
Oh, that would be like a scene out of Life Force.
You know when the space vampires drain the lifeblood from the voluptuous women?
Wow.
Maybe Bob Dylan should go into, like, nudie modelling.
Sexy mags.
Beautiful you are.
You know, it's a frightening thought that when one is that age, how old is he?
He's at least 65.
That all your sexual cogs are still whirring.
Must be so, I don't know, frustrating.
He's actually not that dissimilar from my life now.
That's pretty much it for us this week.
Hey, listen, podcast fans, I'm sorry if you feel messed around, you know, by the way it's been going the last couple of weeks.
We've just been terrible busy during the week.
We're just really busy, you know, we're gonna probably have to stop doing them for a while in a couple of weeks, but we still got a couple more to go, okay?
And the next one, I promise you, will be out on Monday.
Don't forget that, you know, it's free and everything, all right?
So just don't give us too much of a hard time.
Yeah, and you can download the Adam and Joe podcast at xfm.co.uk or on iTunes.
It's got highlights of the show and also brand new stuff in it.
Yeah, in fact, it's mainly brand new stuff a lot of the time.
So do check them out.
And I think you can't even get the whole set anymore, can you?
No, I think numbers one to 10 have been archived.
Yeah, they're good as well.
We might charge for them.
Well, yeah, that would be good, wouldn't it?
Wouldn't it be great to make some money, finally, after one day?
After ten years.
Anyway, thanks a lot for listening, we really appreciate it.
Stay tuned for the X-list.
We'll be back next week.
Bye-bye.
Cheerio, bye, love you, bye!