Yeah.
That's The Vines with Don't Listen to the Radio.
Well, what sort of a record is that to play at the beginning of three hours of top-notch radio?
It sets out the stall for a show that turns everything upside down.
It's counter-intuitive.
Yeah.
Is that the phrase?
But yes, it is.
Good Saturday morning.
This is Adam and Joe.
My name's Joe Cornish.
Uh, my name's Adam Buxton.
Before that, you heard Razorlight, incidentally, with America.
that was the album version right for you actually a friend of mine asked us to play that today and because he said it's turned him on to razor light oh yeah yeah he hated razor light why what was his problem just didn't like them didn't like thought they were rubbish Johnny's bats Johnny's bats and then he heard that
And that's turned him around.
Now he loves them.
Well, he's going to be into the Scissor Sisters next, isn't he?
What, do you think anything he is, he just loves?
Well, no, I'm just saying that I bracket Razorlight and Scissor Sisters in somewhere similar.
What, the bin?
Yeah.
No, you know what I mean?
In the dusty bin.
Ah, gee, let's get off this.
Raise a light, I've got nothing to do with the scissors, sisters.
What, that was a big storm last night, wasn't it?
It's been very stormy, but now, now the sun's come out.
I tell you what London looks like.
What?
It looks like a, a fresh bowl of ma-bowl of Marks and Spencer's fruit after it's been spritzed.
with a with a moisture spritzer glistening and then someone's turned a beautiful light onto it and now everything's all sexy even the smackies looked all spritzed and sexy in the street they've had a nice wash they've had a lovely wash now they're all sunny it's all flooded everywhere it's totally flooded all the trains are blocked up yeah watch out for big puddles if you're on the pavement watch out for vengeful bus drivers and big puddles exactly and jerky drivers yeah
You know?
Like watery landmines across London.
I've got like a big line of dirt all the way up my back and my front because I cycled.
And I haven't got mudguards.
Is it because you cycled?
No, I done them poo.
Come on, we only just started.
I'm talking about poos.
What have you got there?
So we've got a lot of prizes to give away today, listeners.
We've got loads of DVDs, the original Texas Chainsaw Massacre.
We've got Depeche Mode, some sort of tour, live in Milan.
We've got Zoo TV, live from Sydney.
That's U2, a popular Irish band.
We've got special DVDs, what come in little tins.
Hey, look at that.
Like, as if they're actually celluloid.
Black Hawk Down.
Black Hawk Down, Hellboy, Desperado, Close Encounters.
We've got tickets to see Little Britain Live on Wednesday the 4th of October.
Good prizes!
That's even the press night, isn't it?
I don't know.
Wednesday, is that Wednesday?
Yeah, I think that's the big one.
That's the big press premiere of Little Britain Live finally getting to London.
So we've an extraordinary number of prizes.
We've got a crap commentary competition coming up in a second.
We'll have a text competition in the second hour.
I'm gonna play some brand new material from Charlotte Hathaway's new album.
Not coming out till February.
Has she even called Charlotte heavily?
Heavily?
I always call her, I get confused with that Hollywood actress, because I know her.
So yeah, that thing when you know someone very well, you actually sort of forget their surname.
Yeah, yeah.
Now I know what you mean.
Joe Cranberry Cranberry.
We've also got I'm gonna play a bit of hip hop as well.
Yeah.
Now we're gonna play lots of good music.
Because we're here until one today.
We've got the X list.
All right.
So we're gonna play a lot of enjoyable music right the way through the show.
Stay tuned.
This is Adam and Joe here on XFM.
And right now this is the Zutons.
That's the Zootons with Valerie.
This is Adam and Joe here on XFM.
I was doing a gig last night, Joe.
Oh, yeah?
How'd it go?
Had a bit of a gig.
How'd it go?
It was good.
Good gig.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Where was it?
Madame Jojo's.
Oh, yeah, you were talking about that last week.
Yeah, yeah.
Teased it.
Did people laugh?
They eventually laughed, yeah.
Did anybody who listens to this show come?
I don't know.
I didn't hang around afterwards, really.
Went to the Phoenix bar with some of the other comics.
Oh, yeah.
Stood around there.
It must be when comics just chat.
It must be hilarious.
I'll tell you what, Joe, it's very funny.
I mean, some of the jokes, because they're like Unleashed, aren't they?
Exactly.
And they can be blue, and scandalous.
God knows what kind of thing you were saying to each other.
Funny stuff.
We were backstage, and at one point someone actually said, this should be the show.
did they yeah because we were freestyling careering all over the area and it was very funny yeah and then we went out and we went out on stage and uh not wasn't that funny really wasn't that funny but um i was i promised myself
that I would do this gig and I wouldn't have anything to drink and I would go straight home and do lots of preparation for this show yeah because it's our last show for a while wanted to go out with a bang yeah for this xfm show and I thought you know I've got to get my head together and be right on the money
So obviously I went out for a drink afterwards.
How many drinks?
I had five drinks.
What drinks?
Big beers.
Big beers?
Yeah.
Big gulps?
Big gulps.
Well you're very stupid.
I know I'm a stupid git and I just couldn't I couldn't help myself it's the thing is that doing a gig you know you get all keyed up and then you have to I don't do them often enough to be disciplined about them you know and the power of booze compelled me to go out and just drink too much.
Well, now you're ruining the whole show.
Sorry, man.
With your hungover ramblings.
With my ramblings.
We've got competition time coming up, though.
That'll fix it, yeah?
That's true.
Stand by on the phones, listeners, if you want to win one of our amazing DVDs.
We've got too many prizes today, so we're gonna be amazingly generous with the prizes.
We might give you two or three prizes of your choice from the Prezi Prize.
Hey, you know what I want to do as well, which we did once before?
I want someone out there shopping to find me an album and bring it in.
Good idea.
We'll tell you more about that in a bit.
The number 0 8 7 1 2 2 2 1 0 4 9.
If you want to win something, stand by for Crap Commentary Corner.
That is coming up after this track and some adverts, but this is a new one from Beck.
It's called Cell Phones Dead.
And what's the name of his new album?
No, no.
What's it called?
It's the wrong show for interesting facts.
Isn't it called The Information?
Is it?
Yeah, it's called The Information because it's named after the independent on Sunday television listings pull-out.
OK, so enjoy this one.
He was going to call it The Culture.
He went the other way instead.
I thought he was going to call it Hot Stars.
He should have called it Hot Stars.
After the OK pull-out, the heat-style OK pull-out.
Anyway, this is Cell Phones Dead by Beck.
Yeah, okay, so this isn't Beck.
Beck's taken a radical new direction.
I was thinking like, boy, he's really gone in a different direction.
Yeah, has he had his bits chopped off even?
I think this is Be Your Own Pet, isn't it?
Has he become a castrati?
Or someone like that.
Your information is wrong.
I'm really sorry.
This is not from the information.
What happened there?
Wrong CD?
Wrong CD.
Didn't read the number on the CD correctly.
You didn't read it, so it wasn't mislabeled?
No, my problem.
Did you take full responsibility?
Full responsibility.
I hold my hands up.
Here, here is Beck.
This is Adam and Joe on XFM London's 104.9, number one for indie rock.
That was the Glaswegian quartet Franz Ferdinand with a track called The Fallen from earlier this year from their second album.
You could have it so much better.
What do you mean?
That's what the album's called.
Oh, I was shocked.
I thought you were talking to me.
Yeah, you were worried that you weren't getting the best deal.
Out of life.
Yeah.
Yeah?
Don't worry.
I was thinking of just throwing everything away.
Nope.
You're getting everything that you could possibly get.
Good.
Now, if you want to win something for pretty much nothing, then stand by your phones because it's...
Go ahead it's easy, you can use 5M TV.
Yes it's crap commentary corner time.
This is the part of the show where we play you an excerpt from a DVD commentary and you have to name who's speaking on what movie they're talking about.
The numbers 0 8 7 1, 2 2 2 1 0 4 9 and the prizes on offer are almost limitless.
it's jaw-dropping the stuff we've got to give away this is the this is kind of the uh flagship competition of the show right right so it should be a big prize what do you think the little britain tickets maybe the little britain tickets uh maybe one of the special dvds what come in tins black everybody loves a tin i love tins tins add extra value think of beans yeah
What would you- what- you know if- Think of beans without a tin.
If it was just a cardboard box or a bag they came in.
You wouldn't be able to pick them up.
No, it'd be pointless.
Tins.
Tins are the cherry on the cake.
Yeah.
It's a bit of a mixed metaphor, really.
But yeah, we've got DVDs in tins, we've got Texas Chainsaw Massacre, we've got kind of really old.
They're not- are these old?
This has been out for ages, hasn't it?
But it's good.
It's brilliant.
Depeche Mode.
Live in Milan.
But it's good.
U2's Zoo TV.
That was in 1982.
But it's good.
But that's good.
It's a good thing.
It's really good.
Just because it's old.
I mean it's not good.
They're really good DVDs.
Get with the old legislation, alright?
Yeah, right.
So here we go.
Listen very carefully.
We want you to tell us what
director is talking.
Quite easy this one.
What film he's talking about?
Well it is, it's quite easy for you Adam Buxton.
He's got to be the most, one of the most recognisable sounding directors in the business.
Do you think, well let's see, let's see how people get on.
You've got to name the director but you've also got to work out which film he's talking about and it's more Teutonic fun here on the Adam and Juliet radio show.
There's nothing we like more than a good old Teutonic accent and somebody who doesn't quite get their words right.
So here's clip number one.
We shot all these scenes, of course, without any of these insects around.
They were all added digitally.
So all the actors had continuously to act as if there was something right in front of them that was threatening and dangerous and that would run towards them.
But of course, there was nothing there.
And the only thing that we could do, Phil and I, is to be the bugs, to yell and scream and run towards them in the rehearsal so they could have getting some feeling
of what was going on, me of course screaming like aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
He's a brilliant guy.
He's a complete genius.
And this is a great film as well.
Anyway, here's another clip.
But I can tell you that the movie is, in fact, in our opinion,
stating that war makes fascists of us all so whenever you see something that you think is fascist you should know that the makers coincide with your opinion thinking that it is not good that is not a good statement and this is not good politics and if you see a black uniform you should also know bad bad bad
there we go poor man he's frustrated that the film that he's talking about was misinterpreted and kind of misunderstood by the critics and the public people thought it was a dumb kind of irresponsible action spectacular when actually it's deeply satirical it's a critique of fascism at large absolutely what director is that what movie is that 0 8 7 1 triple 2 1 0 4 9 amazing prizes to give away if you think you know the answer call now call now right here's a free play this is Iggy Pop
Oh, that was very exciting.
That was Iggy Pop with some weird... That was more refreshing than a shower.
Yeah, exactly.
This is Elmer John XFM.
We are going to come back after the ads and some more music with the resolution of Crap Commentary Corner.
We have a number of people on the line who think they know what it is.
I thought that was a new band.
With the resolution?
The resolution, yeah.
There's got to be a band called The Resolution, don't you reckon?
I'm sure there is.
Yeah.
What would they sound like?
Not very good, probably.
Come on, sing their hit.
So you say you want a resolution?
That's what the hit would be, eh?
Yes, thank you.
The Gillamots with Trains to Brazil.
We're in the middle of playing crap commentary corner.
I think we've got a caller on the line.
Is it Anthony?
I like to say Anthony.
Anthony, but it's Anthony.
It's Anthony.
What's the deal with it?
Is it Americans that pronounce Anthony Anthony?
No, it's just because I remember in the Joe Dante section of the Twilight Zone the movie that brilliant little thing about the boy who has magic powers.
Do you know that Anthony?
I do I do remember that he's called Anthony.
I don't have a powers myself, but I do know the film.
It's a personal choice though, isn't it?
Is it?
Yeah, I think you either say that you're called Anthony or Anthony.
It's a bit like
Well, actually, it's nothing like Thom Yorke, is it?
No one calls him Thom.
They should do.
How are you doing today, Anthony?
I'm good.
A little bit, you know, having a good time.
A little bit roped from last night.
A little bit having a good time?
That's not bad.
That's a good thing.
I'm doing a little bit of dancing around it.
I can't control my next dancing.
Apart from that, I'm fine.
I can't stop dancing.
Is that right?
I'm not dancing at the moment, but you're back on.
Right, what were you up to last night that got you dancing?
Just friends and a lot of wine.
Yeah.
Hey, there is no friend.
It was just the wine, wasn't it?
You were on your own with wine.
The wine is the friend.
So listen, you reckon you know who that was?
Don't say it.
I hope so, yeah.
We just play a little reminder.
Which clip would you like to hear, Anthony?
The one where he goes bad, bad, bad?
Or the one where he screams?
I think the first one was the bad, bad, bad skit.
That was the second one.
Yeah, but it was the first one you mentioned.
But I can tell you that the movie is, in fact, in our opinion,
stating that war makes fascists of us all.
So whenever you see something that you think is fascist you should know that the makers coincide with your opinion thinking that it is not good.
That is not a good statement and this is not good politics and if you see a black uniform you should also know bad bad bad.
So who is it Anthony?
I'm thinking it's Paul Verhoege with Starship Troopers.
Paul what?
but that their home.
Verhoeven, you have not pronounced the Verhoeven.
Sorry, Verhoeven.
But maybe you know better than us.
Maybe it is Ver-er-ern.
What did you say?
Anthony, you said like Paul Verheuen.
Verhoeven.
Originally though, you said like Paul Verheuen.
It was a silent V. I liked it.
It was brilliant.
It was really good.
It made you sound very clever.
Yeah.
Isn't that a brilliant film, Anthony?
Isn't it just?
And if there's anybody out there that hasn't seen Starship Troopers... I don't know if Anthony was being serious.
Are you being ironic, Anthony?
Do you not think it's good?
No, no.
Actually, I do like it.
It's very funny.
I mean, any film with Doogie Howser in it, you know, it's got to be good.
It's actually a very good action film.
I do quite like it.
Yeah, I think it's one of the best movies of the 20th century.
I agree.
I actually agree.
Genuinely, I kind of do.
It's a peach.
It was completely misunderstood.
It's very ironic.
It's very good.
I liked it.
And Verhoeven, you know Verhoeven, the town where he grew up in Holland was bombed, actually by the Allies.
He goes into it on the commentary and all the surrounding streets, everyone was killed.
And so as a little boy, he walked out into the streets and saw all of his neighbours and everyone in his little town dead.
All the bodies on the street.
So he's got amazing first-hand experience of fascism and war.
And it's supposed to be, because there's whole scenes that he models specifically on Triumph of the Will.
Yeah, it's all based on propaganda films in the 40s and 50s.
It's a satire of propaganda.
And it's extraordinarily relevant in this current political climate, George Bush, Tony Blair.
It's a good translation of it, I'd say.
yeah a good translation yeah no it is it is a very relevant movie but well done there uh antony you get your chance to pick from our amazing bumper pile of prizes what would you like do you want to go and see little britain live um i i'm actually no i can't on that one for what reasons i'm actually working that so okay okay um any of the film dvd sound good okay well um
What do you reckon?
We've got the original version of Texas Chainsaw Massacre.
Texas Chainsaw Massacre, Close Encounters, I Kinda Want Desperado and El Mariachi.
Or there's Hellboy, Black Hawk Down, Depeche Mode, or U2.
Quick as you can now, Anthony.
You can have two of any of those, how about that?
Can I get, I'm sorry, can I go for the Desperado and the El Mariachi?
yeah go on then but you can have another one because they're both in they're both in one box this is okay yeah you got it well done anthony thanks very much for calling uh and thanks for listening thanks a lot anthony have a good weekend right now here's a bit more music this is cassabian
Yeah, it's crunchy.
What, that record?
The record.
Yeah, it's like being shot with rock bullets.
With rock bullets.
Chopped to bits with an axe.
With a rock axe.
That was Kasabian with Shoot the Runner.
This is Adam and Joe here on XFM coming up to the end of our first hour.
And we're gonna be here until one o'clock today, folks, because it's our last show.
And we thought it would be fun just to just to hang out, shoot the breeze with you guys.
Yeah.
Plus it's the X-list in The Last Hour listeners, isn't it?
Is it?
So if you want to request a song to play, do text us on 83XFM or email adamandjoe at xfm.co.uk.
And you know, when people give us things to give away as prizes on this show, sometimes we're a bit lazy about plugging the product, because that's why people give you prizes, right?
It's true.
That's the way the world works.
Yeah, because they want people to know that it's available.
I don't get nothing for free, do you?
So, you know, those films that we just gave away are part of a new range of films.
What come in tins?
Great.
They're going to be very pleased with that.
Yeah, and they're called... Tin films.
Tin flicks.
They should be called tin flicks.
What are they called?
They're called contains exclusive film tin, is what they're called.
And you can get all sorts of films.
Why did you even bother bringing it up?
Because they expect it.
The reason they've given us them to give away.
Do you think they're going to be happy with that?
Well they should have thought of a better name.
Hang on, they're called the Reel Collection, only Reel is spelt R-E-E-L.
And they got sent to us in a big film tin.
And there was a letter, it says, hi Adam and Joe, I hope you're well.
Enclosed to four of the titles from Sony Pictures Home Entertainment's DVD Reel Collection.
So not only are they real, but they're real.
So there we go.
Good one.
OK, we're going to be back shortly.
We've got ads and news and music coming up.
I love ads and news and music.
Can we just drop the music and just hear the ads and the news?
It's paradise.
Yeah, let's do that.
That was the Arctic Monkeys with Leave Before the Lights Come On.
They are of course David Cameron's favourite band and Tony Blair's favourite band, but not Ming Campbell's favourite band.
Ming Campbell favours the Guillemots.
That's a bit of a fact there for you.
A bit of fact.
This is Adam and Joe on XFM London's 104.9.
We're into the second hour of the show.
And now it's time for Adam to make a request to our listeners.
And who is?
This is a kind of just a lazy functional request.
You just can't be bothered to do it yourself.
No, it's not that I can't be bothered.
It was as I was leaving, I've got this CD, right?
at home.
What CD?
It's a CD by Phil Linnet.
Right.
Or rather, I thought I had it.
The point being, listeners, I think Adam wants one of you to go to a shop and do some shopping for him.
Is that right?
Let's do a little bit of shopping, yeah.
Yeah, so there's an album you want.
Mm.
And what, you want to play it on the show?
Well, I had this song going round in my head for ages and ages, you know what I mean?
And you get obsessed by it.
And I tried to find it on iTunes.
I couldn't find it.
Maybe I wasn't searching right.
Anyway, it's a Phil Linnet song, and I'm pretty sure it's called Old Town.
And I think it's Phil Linnet rather than Thin Lizzy.
So it's off one of his solo records.
I think maybe it's off like one where he's looking quite sexy and cheesy on the cover and he's got like his collar up or something.
I think maybe it's called the Phil Linnet album even.
But so it's a bit of a challenge for you listeners, you know?
What, it's going to be difficult to find?
It might be difficult to find.
I don't know.
And what are you offering listeners as an incentive to do this?
Well, they could certainly have their pick of any prizes we've got here, couldn't they?
Is that all a prize?
What else?
Usually they just have to pick up the phone for a prize, but you're asking for a lot more.
You're asking to physically buy the album.
What can we give them?
Well, do you want them to bring it here?
Yeah.
Well, then maybe they should come into the studio.
That's a prize of a kind, isn't it?
It's a sort of a prize, isn't it?
Yeah.
And then, uh, you, I think you should give them some money.
Are you going to pay them back for it?
Obviously I'll pay them back for it.
And will you give them a little bit more?
What kind of thing?
Just a couple more quid.
Oh, I see.
Not like a snog or a... You could give them a snog.
Yeah?
Yeah.
I don't know if they'd be happy with that.
Well, I tell you what, if you're in town and you're near a record shop and you're anywhere near Leicester Square and you're prepared to do this bit of drudgery for Adam, then you can call us on your mobile, tell us you're prepared to do it, and then we can agree some kind of fee.
It can be snog-based, or we can barter.
I'm not saying that they can just demand whatever they want, but maybe they might want to, like, pull out one of your belly button hairs.
Like just lift up your shirt, grab one of the little hairs by the belly button and pull it really hard.
That might satisfy them.
They might want to smack me right in the face.
That's more likely.
If you want to smack Adam in his stupid face, then just buy this Phil Linner album.
What's it called?
I think it's called the Phil Linnet album.
But the song I'm after is called Old Town.
That's the key thing you need to know.
Yes.
So if you're prepared to go and buy that and bring it into us here at number one, Leicester Square, we're right next to the Odeon Leicester Square.
Just what are they playing at the Odeon Leicester Square?
Children of Men, I think.
Children of Men.
Just look out for the giant Children of Men poster and we're just on the right.
But give us a call.
0 8 7 1 triple 2 1 0 4 9 0 8 7 1 2 2 2 1 0 4 9.
If you're prepared to buy that Phil Linnet album in exchange for abusing Adam in some way.
No, what?
Where did that go?
That was just a joke.
That's the only way it's going to happen.
No, because then we're going to have the nutcases coming in and they will want to hit me.
Well fine, we need a nutcase to fill the third hour of the show.
Wrong, wrong, wrong.
That's just what we need is a nutcase.
No, we don't want a nutcase.
Get on the blow at nutcases 08712221049.
What are you doing, man?
If you've got a criminal record, even better.
if you got some kind of weapon.
Joe, you remember you were saying to me the other day sometimes your brain kind of short circuits and you forget to filter out things that you shouldn't say.
Yes.
That's one of them.
Is it?
Inciting nutcases to come in.
It'll be fine.
I've got a brilliant nutcase detector.
Great.
We won't let any genuine nutcases in.
I'm hiding behind you when they come.
All right, listen, here's a free play.
This is from Charlotte Hathaway.
This is from her new album.
It's so exclusive, the album is untitled.
She hasn't even thought of a title, or maybe she hasn't decided on which brilliant title to use.
The album's going to be out at the end of February.
There's going to be a single in December.
We're not even sure whether this is a single, but this is a fantastic slice of new material from Charlotte Hathaway.
This is called I Want You To Know.
There we go, an exclusive first play of material from Charlotte Hathaway's forthcoming album that was called I Want You To Know.
Yeah.
This is Adam and Jo here on XFM on a Saturday afternoon.
Still nice outside, still drying up the puddles.
What a terrible storm it was last night.
Yeah, well said.
Thanks.
No one's called yet to do Adam's shopping for him.
Do my bidding.
There's a surprise, even when we're offering a chance to give him a little slap.
stop talking about that please I thought I mean who could turn that opportunity down genuinely it genuinely stopped talking about it we are trying to mobilize the listeners today I'm trying to get someone to track down a copy of a Phil Lin at album with a song called old town on it if you're in the West End and you're near a record shop
get it, give us a call, 08712221049 and- Slappy slappy slappy.
Don't say that.
Slappy pappy.
Come on then, what have we got?
We've got a competition coming up.
Yeah, it's text competition time, are we going to do it right now?
Yeah, why not?
OK, this is the text competition, listeners.
And don't forget we've got an extraordinary bumper pile of booty to give away.
We've got amazing DVDs.
You've got an extraordinary bum.
I've got a big bootay.
And we've got tickets to see Little Britain as well.
Samthi's putting her head in her hands because I said I've got a big bootay.
What's wrong with that?
She finds it so overpoweringly... It's turning into what?
It's turning into kids again.
In children.
There's nothing wrong with that.
So text competition, listeners, the text number is 83XFM, and this is what we want you to do to win some of those prizes.
Everybody knows that Thursday night is comedy night, right?
On BBC Two.
Killer line-up.
You've got Extra.
I don't call it extras, because it's not about extras, it's about one extra.
And then it's kind of the Ricky Gervais show.
And then you've got Mitchell and Webb, which is good.
But before that you've got the comedy show that beats them both, Dragon's Den.
With a parade of misguided lunatics who've invented demented things trying to raise money.
So basically we'd like you to come up with a kind of pathetic, a brilliantly intentionally pathetic Dragon's Den style invention.
So here are some real ones.
Last night there was, or not last night, on Thursday night there was Smarty Pants.
Do you know what Smarty Pants was?
Do you remember that, Adam?
Smarty Pants... Smarty Pants was personalized children's underwear.
That wasn't a real one, was it?
Yeah, she'd ordered a hundred and fifty thousand pairs of personalized pants.
She'd failed to get any money from the Dragons.
She's still there a year later.
in a big warehouse full of smarty pants she's got no orders but she's still and i don't know if anybody saw that she was she was let letra setting or kind of printing the name rosa on the smarty pants now if she's doing rosa that's not a very common name is it
Imagine all the other names she's done.
She's got to be doing them to order then.
No, no, no, she's not.
Is she not?
No, she's just hit all the names and ordered like 50 of each.
Rosa?
Yeah, she's in trouble, smarty pants.
But that was a quite sensible one comparatively speaking because there was also my favourite one, Super Knees.
What, super knees?
Did you see super knees?
That's not like pads for... Is that the one where it's pads for cleaning or something?
If only it was.
No, it's roller skates for the knees.
Nice.
Yeah.
So you get on your hands and knees and you've got roller skates on your knees.
It was embarrassing.
The man that invented them was slightly insane.
He's a kind of children's party entertainer or a maths magician or something.
I don't know, anyway.
And they were aimed at children, presumably, were they?
Who knows?
But that would be, apart from anything else,
It would be exhausting.
Can you imagine how tiring that would be to be on your knees on roller skates?
Super knees.
The name's brilliant.
I mean it's brilliant because you would get fit incredibly fast.
Would you?
Yeah.
You'd just get a terribly bad back.
No, no.
Being down there, I'm pretty sure you would be using all kinds of muscles that you... I think it's a brilliant idea.
It's a brilliant idea for cleaners, I think, for people who have to polish floors.
saves time.
And the other terrible one, I can't remember what it was called, but it was an armchair gym.
Do you remember that?
It was like an executive chair and it had a running machine that pulled out the back.
And anyway, so we want you to think of an intentionally rubbish idea for Dragon's Den.
And we also want you to tell us what kind of equity you're giving away for, I don't, I can't remember the language, but what, how much money you want and what percentage equity you're giving away.
If we invest in your, if we're to invest it.
So I've come up with some examples.
My name's Joe Cornish.
These are my business ideas.
Are you ready?
Hit me.
Business idea number one.
Rasta pasta.
That's good.
I like the name of it.
Rasta pasta.
It's pasta in the shape of dreadlocks.
That's just good.
And it's horribly flavoured.
You know what I mean?
It's got a sachet of herb to sprinkle on top of it.
Rasta pasta.
That's brilliant.
That is brilliant, isn't it?
I'm looking for £250,000 for 1% of the business.
That's a pretty hard bargain you're talking about.
Well, that's where the negotiations have got to start.
Here's the second one.
Now this is a bit more sophisticated.
Basically it's for kids.
It's a food accessory.
They're novelty evil plastic heads.
So little evil faces of evil children done in plastic, they've got a spike on the bottom.
You stick them in the corn on the cob to hold the corn on the cob while you eat them, right?
You with me?
They're called children of the corn on the cob.
They're evil children.
Do you get it?
I do get it.
And it makes eating corn on the cob more fun.
Yeah.
Children of the corn on the cob, I'm looking for £100,000 for a 10% equity investment.
I'll tell you what, I'll give you the children of corn on the cob.
Children of the corn on the cob.
I'll give you
15 pence to pop it in the bin.
Well, you're stupid.
I'm going to stick with Children of the Corn on the Cob and I'm going to become a millionaire.
So if you can beat Rasta Pasta or Children of the Corn on the Cob, text 83XFM.
We'll select the best one and give you a whole lot of prizes.
Here's the magic numbers.
I was imagining numbers with Take a Chance.
That's a new single from them.
It's coming out on the 23rd of October.
It sounds like a soft rip-off of Everlong by the Foo Fighters, says Nathan in Brixton.
Alright, Nathan.
That's what I'm saying to you.
Adam's making a horse race.
I think you're right, Nathan.
I don't even know what that means.
Yeah, it's just doing horse noises.
I'm not like consulting you, Nathan, or anything.
I think Nathan's correct.
Extra cops on the streets this weekend in Brixton.
Kids, put the guns down, yeah?
Think about it for a second.
Put the guns down.
That's a little message for the kids there.
Um, Tanya in Watford has texted in an idea, I mean basically I think my idea for Rasta pasta is so good.
It's hard to beat.
That it might just eclipse the whole competition, I mean, because Tanya's suggesting that Rasta pasta could be red, gold and green like tri-colour pasta.
Mmm.
That's a good idea, isn't it?
Because the Rasta market is a huge untapped, um, market.
Mm-hmm.
Like Brixton market.
Yeah.
I'm gonna tap it.
And I think Tanya, I might go into business together with you.
So I'll give you a call and we'll set up a meeting.
We'll go to Barclays, get some kind of a loan.
What would you do, Matt?
You know, I bet you in like six months time, Rasta pasta will be on the market.
Yeah.
And no one will have... Have you patented that?
Have you paid?
Well, you know, you're a fool.
In two months time, I can go out and copy that product and you're stuffed.
So your Rasta pasta can ram jam out the door.
That's what the Scottish one would say.
And the Australian one would go, Joe, you're a nice bloke.
It's a great idea.
I'd like to work with you.
You seem like a really good guy, but I'm out.
I'm sorry.
It's just not my kind of idea.
I don't like resters.
I'm out.
And the American guy would say, he left after series one.
What are the numbers?
Oh, he was all over the last show.
Then there's the woman that looks like one of the fish out of Finding Nemo.
She looks like one of the big blue fish, doesn't she though?
Yeah, a little bit.
I don't know what she'd say.
Something.
Here, I'll give you some products, right?
And some ideas and you have to think of funny ways of telling me to get lost, alright?
Okie.
The way they do on them.
Okie.
So my idea is for a self buffing boot.
You can boot yourself out that buffing door.
nice yeah you see straight in yeah yeah okay what about this hello I've got this is a device it's a cake making device and it makes cake making easier is it easy for you to make a cake
I don't know.
I don't really know about that one.
You could have had your cake and eat it or something like that.
Yeah.
Tea.
You're... You get the idea.
Play a record for God's sake.
Alright then.
Here's a free play right now.
This is The Kinks with Big Sky.
That's the theme to the movie Curious George.
Is it?
No.
It's not supposed to be that great.
Is it Curious George?
No, but that's nothing to do with Curious George.
Oh, is it not?
No.
Nothing to do with it.
Jack Johnson, breakdown.
Oh, there we go.
He did do the... I was right.
He did do the music for Curious George.
I know, but that wasn't anything to do with the actual movie.
No, but I think it was a mistake for him to do the music to Curious George.
Cos it was such a stinky film.
Well, his music is quite, you know, childish, but for adults, right?
Yeah, yeah.
But he's lost the for adults bit.
And now it just sounds like it should be on Play School.
Right.
You know, in a nice way, but it just sounds infantile now.
I see what you mean.
He's aligned himself too closely with... Yeah, I haven't thought about that.
I don't really mean it, but I just thought it might be clever to say.
It's a bit rich coming from us though, isn't it?
It is, isn't it?
We're quite infantile.
So, uh, listeners, this is Adam and Joe, this is XFM, London's 104.9.
Rasta pasta.
We've got two very exciting projects going on on the show at the moment.
Yeah, rasta pasta exists, apparently.
Someone said that it's the name of a restaurant in Belize, someone else said that it actually exists, and they're in the shape of cannabis leaves, little bits of pasta.
And they're in the three colours.
And they're in the three colours, so there you go.
Of the rasta flag.
And somebody else sort of told you rather curtly that it was simply a product you were coming up with, not a business strategy though.
Well, is that true though?
I mean, on Dragon's Den they always have products.
Yeah, but they're backed up with some... You build the business around the product.
That's why I'm going to be rich and you are nothing.
Plus, we've also asked a listener to do some shopping for Adam and that's going quite well, isn't it?
Someone's called in.
I always imagined that if people happen to be wandering around the West End, maybe listening to the show on their phones or whatever, then they would pop into the shop.
But someone listening at home in Clapham has gone into the West End.
That's really nice.
That is nice.
And I think it's, I think her name is Andrea.
So I guess maybe she can't listen to the show right now.
She's got 82 minutes to perform the task.
She'll be all right.
She'll be fine.
If she can find the record, it's quite an obscure record.
Yeah.
I'll tell you what, though.
If by any chance there's somebody else out there who is in the West End, we could make it a race.
If you think you can beat Andrea to find the Phil Liddell album.
That's poor old Andrea.
Yeah, but it'll maybe not.
She's coming in all the way from Clapham.
Of course they'll beat her if they're already in the West End.
Yeah, but that would be funny.
You just want to be sadistic.
I'm not going to say slapped again because you'll get angry.
And don't forget, listeners, we've got our text competition running as well.
We're looking for your pathetic Dragon's Den style business ideas.
If they can be pathetic but kind of feasible, that's what's going to win.
And we've already got one really good one that we're not going to read out yet.
We're going to save it and get the guy who wrote it or lady who wrote it on the line.
Do you want to hear some of the other ones we got so far?
Yeah, come on.
Oh dear, a glow-in-the-dark fart kazoo plays an exciting tune when inserted carefully.
If you use my idea first, I can only afford to put forward my gran, but she's got lots of boiled sweets.
She's looking for in the region of a thousand pounds.
Oh dear.
Tristan in London Bridge.
I'm not reading the rest of that.
You know what?
I think I better sort through these texts before I read them out.
Otherwise we're going to get into trouble.
Let's play some more music then.
This is Jamie T with If You Got The Money.
What did I just say?
Money, money.
Joe Cornish talking about money.
Yeah, it was in one of the texts I was reading.
So hello, this is Adam and Joe here on XFM.
That was the fartellis with Chelsea Dagger.
That's not how you say them.
Fartellis?
You're very immature.
Fartellis?
Talking of immature, we've been running a text competition asking people to come up with
Pathetic Dragon's Den style business ideas.
The more kind of rubbish, but yet feasible, the better.
I should say at this point that fans of the programme Time Trumpet
Might remember that they did some very, very funny sketches in there along the same lines.
I'm not claiming this competition to be original.
No, no.
Everybody's covered.
Wasn't putting you down.
Wasn't putting you down, Joe.
Just wanted to... Yeah, flag it up.
Do you want to judge some of these, then?
What?
Adam, do you want to judge some of these?
Yeah.
OK, you're ready.
OK.
Here's a kind of starter one.
OK.
The Gibbon ribbon.
Well, what's that?
This is a ribbon with pictures of Gibbons in different poses.
It's suitable for monkey enthusiasts' present wrapping needs.
Rubbish.
He wants £200,000 for a 10% stake in the equity.
And that comes from Dunstan.
Dunstan?
Out of Dunstan Checks Inn.
That's the best bit about the whole thing.
So he knows about Gibbons.
He knows about Gibbons.
So Adam Buck's saying that's rubbish.
Out the door, monkey boy.
You can take your monkey business and
Climb up a monkey puzzle, a monkey tree.
Because you're a monkey.
And... yeah.
The end of that one.
They wouldn't have used that in the finished program.
No, they wouldn't.
They would have chopped around that one.
Mate, you're a great guy, everybody loves monkeys, but it's just not going to float as a business idea, so I'm out.
What about this?
Pimplimps.
Shoes or boots with one sole deeper than the other enabling anybody to pimp walk like Huggy Bear.
That comes from Mark.
The pimp limp.
What's to stop somebody from just, uh, wearing odd shoes?
Or buying, uh, wearing one of their girlfriend's shoes, like a high-heeled shoe?
Why are people gonna buy Pim Lim?
It's stupid!
You're- you're ugly!
You're ugly and you stink!
Get out!
That's the response to that one.
Mate!
It's- Yeah, you get the idea.
What about this?
I just like that Scottish accent.
It's not very good, is it?
It's like Robin Williams' one in Mrs. Doubtfire.
That's right, yeah.
Oh, it's only worse.
Okay, how about this?
Tea, this is quite a good one actually, all right?
You concentrate here.
Tea cubes.
They're like sugar cubes.
I assume he means lumps.
Yeah.
But instant tea, so you've combined the tea with the sugar, right, and you just put
Did you get me?
Do you get me, bruv?
In it, allow it.
You just drop it in the tea and it's got the tea leaves in with the sugar.
What?
You don't want tea leaves all over the area.
That's the whole point.
People are happy with bags, you know, to strain out the leaves.
Say it in a Scottish accent.
What?
Oh, you can be Duncan Ballantyne.
He just talks like this.
Right, yeah.
Exactly.
Or you could be Peter... whatever his name is.
Peter Paphides?
He's a television critic.
Yeah.
He's not called that, but the guy who always has coffee round the corners of his mouth looks a bit disgusting.
Yeah, well, I mean, the last 50 years of evolution have more or less come to the point where people want tea bags.
You know, they want to strain the leaves out of the tea, not suddenly have them floating around just because you want a bit of sugar in there as well.
And that's why I'm out.
That's what you say at the end.
Yeah, yeah.
Alright.
Okay, this is a good one from K. Alright.
Flavoured fingernails with added vitamins and minerals for chronic warriors.
Because you know you can get that stuff you paint on your fingernails to stop you biting them that tastes disgusting.
Something to just make it nicer to bite them.
Go the other way.
A bit of flavour and vitamins and minerals.
And healthy too.
For the noughties.
Everything's got to be healthy in the noughties.
That's good from K.
so listen okay you haven't told us what kind of investment you're looking for um so your business plan is all over the place uh you've come in this what accent is that it went to the it went to like yorkshire or somewhere uh i'm flattering myself should we get someone on the line though and let's get someone on the line let's stop this before we lose all our listeners due to uh them being annoyed okay who have we got on the lines at the
We'll have to play a record and come back to Steve.
We can't.
It's news time.
We'll do it after the news.
Can't do it.
Of course we can.
Just no.
We can do what we want.
No.
Let's just cancel the access.
Steve, are you there?
Hello.
Okay, that was good.
Well done, Sandy.
Hello, Steve.
Hello, how are you?
Very well.
We reckon you're the winner of our competition.
Oh, brilliant.
Thank you.
So we want you to now imagine you're in the Dragon's Den.
You're walking up the stairs, you're smelling the stink of fear, the sweat.
What are you wearing, Steve, for this presentation?
Obviously my best suit.
I wouldn't want to let anybody down.
He's well turned out, serious.
Absolutely.
That's the heartbeat music.
You're standing in front of the dragons.
They're sneering at you.
I'm sneering at you.
And here we go.
What's your pitch?
Go.
I'm looking for £75,000 in return for 1.372% of my awesome horror movie make-up company.
Texas Chainsaw mascara.
Nice.
Texas Chainsaw.
The dragons would not say that, Adam.
Oh, right, sorry.
They wouldn't say nice.
You have not got the idea of the probiotic.
Keep talking.
OK, sorry.
Not you, Adam.
Me?
Yeah.
Oh, you want more?
Well, I got the idea after seeing Duncan's face.
Yeah, now you've insulted Duncan.
Yeah, I'm out.
He never invests anyway, so... He doesn't, does he?
Sorry Steve, I liked you when you came in, but you insulted me and insults do not make money.
I'm out.
Steve, I'm interested.
Duncan Ballantyne, I'm interested.
I like hotter movies.
My kids like hotter.
Hotter's very marketable.
I like it.
I saw you won a 1.372% for how much?
75,000. 75,000?
Well, there's a bit of research to do to get the black side just right.
Stop talking!
You've got a verbal diarrhea, stop talking.
It's my turn to talk.
You've made me angry, so now I'm going to offer you half the money for twice the percentage buy-in.
That's good, that's good.
Alright, now by saying, oh no, you've proved yourself weak.
So now I'm going to offer you nothing for a full stake in the company.
Oh, rather true about that, Steve.
That's quite an attractive proposition because, you know, getting Duncan's expertise
behind my company in return for me getting absolutely nothing would be just perfect.
Good, well in that case I'm in.
You've won.
You've won, well done Steve, you've won.
What prize would you like?
Have you got the little Britain ticket still?
Yeah.
We do, yeah.
That's a brilliant prize.
Do you want a couple of DVDs as well?
Yeah, I would love a couple of DVDs.
Of course you do.
We'll give you some DVDs.
Well, you can have the Texas Chainsaw Massacre.
How very apple-sized.
Perfect.
How perfect.
It's almost as if we've planned this chaotic, stupid mess of a show.
Thank you so much for calling in, Steve.
That was really good.
Thank you, Steve.
Well done.
Have a good weekend.
This is Adam and Joe here on XFM.
We'll be back shortly.
That was the Pixies there, with Number 13 Baby kicking off our X-list hour here on XFM.
This is Adam and Joe.
That was going out to Matt Sizer.
Matt, thanks very much indeed for getting in touch.
Thanks for your text.
I hope you enjoyed that one.
Thanks for listening to the show.
And folks, if you've got any requests or dedications you'd like to make, now's the time to make them.
You can text us at 83XFM.
And we'll play some stuff from the XFM vaults.
Yeah, and thanks to everybody who texted in for our Dragon's Den style competition, which is now closed.
And if I didn't read yours out, I'm sorry, but a lot of them were very silly and rude.
They really were.
That's what we're like, though, isn't it?
That's what people expect from us.
Well, no, because we can't be rude on the radio.
Yeah.
We think of alternative ways to say rude things.
Sometimes people.
Sometimes you're quite rude.
But anyway, thanks for everybody who entered that.
We're into the last 55 minutes of our show and indeed the last 55 minutes of our time this year on XFM.
We're taking a little break.
Hopefully we'll be back next year though.
We hope.
Early next year.
Maybe.
We hope.
Yeah, exactly.
Unless, you know, something goes really right in our lives.
Yeah.
Now, update on Shopping Mission.
I've mobilised the XFM listeners to help me out.
I want to play a song called Old Town.
At least I've had it going round in my head.
I can't even remember if it's any good or not.
But it's a brilliant, I think it's a brilliant song by Phil Linnet.
And I want someone out there to go and find it for me.
And so far Andrea has called in and she is on her way from Clapham to the West End to try and track the album down.
so that we could play Old Town at the end of the show.
But she's only got 50 minutes left now.
Yeah, time's running out.
So Andrea, give us a call if you can hear this, let us know what your progress is, and we'd love to hear from you.
A lot of people have been texting in as well and emailing to ask what the name of the band who we played a couple of records by last week and the week before.
The song about Reeboks last week and the previous week it was a song with a cab driver.
They're called North of Ping Pong and you can find out about them on their website northofpingpong.com but we've got to stop talking about them because it's sounding like we're some kind of North of Ping Pong
advertising Tom unit so yeah okay now here's what I've done right listeners I've done a mix for you
And this is the kind of thing that when we first started doing this show, I always thought, I'll do mixes and stuff and I'll be like a real DJ.
And I think I mentioned it to either Carl Pilkington or Brian who was producing our show then.
And I wish I had a photograph of the face they made.
It was basically just sort of saying, don't ever, ever do that.
But I sneaked one in.
What do you mean a mix?
I've mixed like two tracks together.
So to create one track, I mean is this now going to just be a very very long uh like like two tunes but they'll fade into each other?
Yeah that's all I'm talking about.
Oh right.
So it's not like a mash-up?
No it's not exactly a mash-up but I've creatively mixed them together.
OK, so we've got to sit through one track and then wait until the next one comes in and there'll be... They're classic XFM tracks that have been requested by our listeners.
OK, OK, cool.
So I hope you enjoy this.
This is, what have we got here?
We've got, yeah, Blur.
Classic.
Nice bit of Blur coming up, followed by The Strokes.
Ooh.
And you've done some interesting mixing between the two.
I'm going to do a little bit of mixing for you.
So check this out.
This is going out, this was requested by Martin in Sheen, East Sheen.
Is that a place?
Is it Sheem or Cheem?
Sheem.
S-H-E-E-N.
And The Strokes is going out to Gareth.
Gareth Tunley, who I did a gig with last night.
And you're going to mix these live?
Yeah, yeah.
Check this out.
Here we go.
Mashing it, mixing it all up, mixing, mixing, mashing, mixing.
Well done Sumixalot.
Thank you very much.
That was very good.
You made the beat fit with the tune.
Like a real DJ.
Yeah.
And he does it with 45 minutes left in our careers at the 11th hour.
God, such a good song though, isn't it?
Come on.
That was the strokes with Hard to Explain and before that you heard Chemical World by Blur.
Yeah, this is Adam and Joel on XFM London's 104.9.
We were doing a Dragon's Den competition earlier, we've kind of closed it, but there's a couple of really good ones I missed.
Oh yeah.
Doggles.
Doggles?
Goggles that you put on your dog.
That exists, doesn't it?
That play at Wade.
What?
That play a video of the park.
So you don't have to take him out for a walk.
That's cruel.
Two pounds for 27%.
Yeah.
From James in Twickenham, that's exciting.
Poor old Pogs.
And barbie dolls.
Yeah.
What?
They're sausage meat shaped women that you pop on the barbie.
Oh, I see.
Yeah, sausage meat in the shape of a sexy lady like a Barbie doll.
So you're just saying that women are like meat?
I'm not saying it, Duncan.
To go on a Barbie.
Duncan, who emailed.
That's a revolting idea, Duncan.
What a revolting idea, Duncan.
You've got a sick mind.
Check yourself into a hospital as soon as possible.
OK, here's a bit of hippity hoppity.
This is a guy who's the latest thing, right?
Xanthi, you know about hippity hoppity.
He's called Luke... How do you say his name?
Lupe Fiasco?
Yeah, he's a rapper.
And he's done this really pretty excellent song, which is about the joys of skateboarding.
And I can't skateboard.
And let's face it, listener, neither can you.
But we all wish we could.
And we all dress like we can.
And many of us just carry a skateboard round, but never step on it.
I'm never without my skateboard.
Just so that people see you with it.
I know at least two people who carry skateboards around.
And they can't skateboard?
Not very well.
Shut up.
Yeah.
Really?
Does he?
Joel.
Really?
They're not going to be happy about you saying that.
Well, it's time they faced up to the reality.
But here we go.
If you're a pretend skater or a real skater or just like a bit of hippity hoppity, this is Lupe Fiasco with Kick Push.
What's he saying?
Swanky?
Swanky, yeah.
Swanky.
It just means kind of like cool and posh.
Swanky.
And sophisticated.
That's Lupe Fiasco with Kick Push.
That's good, man.
Apparently he came in and rapped that on the All City show.
XFM's defunct hip hop show has been taken off.
XFM's not about hip hop, man.
XFM's not about hip hop anymore.
It's not about the hip hop.
No.
So there we go, but that's pretty good stuff.
You can take your hip hop and hop out of the room.
Ah, Travis.
What's that one called, Flowers in the Window?
Flowers in the Window.
Yeah.
This is Adam and Joe here on XFM.
We're very excited to be joined in the studio by a listener.
We don't usually have guests of any kind in the studio, but Andrea responded to my requests earlier on to go out and find me a copy, find me a copy, of the Phil Linnet album that contains the song Old Town, which has been going around like a little snatcher, this song's been going around in my head.
Look at Andrea, she's here, look!
She's over there and she's got headphones on and a mic and you're so, you've obviously, you actually heard the show then you got, you were in Clapham and then you got out of bed.
I did, quite literally.
And you actually came into town, went to the shop, all for the sake of this idiot man here.
And the best thing about Andrea though, if I can listen, if I can describe her to you, she's got lovely, what colour is your hair brown?
it is today yeah brown hair she's got a very beautiful face for beautiful smile but she's kind of dressed like a like a postal lady yeah like a postal worker dressed like her at first i thought it was a kind of a sexy scout outfit but it's actually kind of a us male outfit so this gives you the aura of some and you've delivered well i tell you what joe i did have my challenge anika tracks
But then I realised it needed to go in the wash.
That would have been even more suitable, because you just have an air of efficiency and, you know, as if... What can I say?
Did you actually put that on specially for us because you were delivering something to us?
I did, actually.
Did you?
Seriously?
No, actually, to be honest, it was the only thing that wasn't in the washing pile.
OK.
It was just a happy coincidence.
And so, Andrea, why?
What?
Why have you done this?
Were you lured by the idea of hitting Adam?
Or the idea of pulling out one of his belly button hairs?
Or the idea of kissing him?
Would I find like a prison pussy if I said it was the snog?
No, you wouldn't.
Are you going to say that?
Yeah.
Well to be honest, it was the snog one has to say.
This is you brazen husking Adam.
I'm actually here after running the hallway.
Literally.
Now that you've seen me.
Some oxygen would do instead.
What do you want, say that again?
Or actually he could mop the sweat from my rivals.
Go on, do that Adam, steady on.
Well I don't know, should we check if it's the right CD?
Not going to mop the sweat, eh that sweat's rubbish.
No I'm not going to mop the sweat, mop the sweat is what I might do.
But Andrea are you a fan of Phil Linnet?
Well, can I tell you the truth?
I've never actually heard of Phil before this morning.
You've never heard of Thin Lizzy?
You've heard of Thin Lizzy?
I have heard of Thin Lizzy.
The boys are back in town, the boys are back in town.
That's Thin Lizzy.
Here, let's have a look at Andrea.
We'd better get it all queued up and stuff.
They are one of the greatest rock and roll outfits of all time.
Well, why does the CD so cheap then?
Uh, well, it was not a big success, I don't think, that album.
Have you seen his face?
I don't know if that was his first solo album.
Can I have a look at it, Joe?
Sure.
How much did it cost?
It was £6.99.
£6.99, isn't it?
But he's just great.
He's got, like, one of the all-time great rock and roll voices and one of my favourite bands, Spoon, who I'm just gonna play very shortly.
The lead singer of Spoon often sounds like Phil Lynott to me anyway.
And this song, Old Town, I don't suppose it's been played on the radio probably since about
1982 when it came out there you go 82 and I just remember it being a lovely song and I've never heard it since then and it popped into my head the other day so I'm gonna play at the end of the show fingers crossed and it's not a total turkey let's have the mopping I'll do some mopping and in the meantime here's spoon
nice that's spoon with oh hello sorry mate that wasn't such a good mix no that wasn't some mix a lot i had the continuous button still on didn't i that was spoon with 30 gallon tank this is adam and joe here on xfm we've got andrea yeah are we gonna have some guests we're gonna have some adverts i'm just sort of putting things in context you know setting the scene we've got andrea here we're gonna be talking to her a little bit more about her life about her projects about her hair
And we're going to be playing the Phil Lynott song, obviously, in the last 20 minutes or so.
Check out some of the people on this album.
Featured musicians, Midge Ure, Mark Knopfler, Huey Lewis, Rusty Egan.
Amazing.
All these people on this album.
I'm really looking forward to hearing this song again.
Don't be like that.
Come on.
I said I'm excited.
I'm excited.
Huey Lewis.
Mitch Yore.
Geniuses.
Yes.
You're talking about geniuses.
Yes.
Right.
Let's have some adverts.
Talking Heads with Once in a Lifetime.
That was going out to Jack in Tooting.
Thanks for listening to the show, Jack.
Yeah, this is Adam and Jo on XFM London's 104.9.
We're into the last 15 minutes of our show.
15 minutes of the show.
Andrea has joined us.
She's a listener.
She's bought a fill line at Record Inn.
And now, as a reward, she's going to get to just... And Xanthi's saying we should say that we do not condone violence.
This is kind of a comedy slap.
It's kind of a, you know, Malcolm and Wise type slap.
Because everyone will enjoy it.
Andrew, will you come round here and give me a little slap?
I'm coming.
Take those headphones off, Andrew.
Joe's obsessed with the idea of seeing me slapped.
Yeah, I just think he deserves it.
I think this is because Joe wants to slap me himself.
I do.
Give him a little... You'd better take those cans off.
I'd better take my headphones off.
All right, then.
And so this is... This could be satisfying for some listeners.
Now, you can judge... You can, you know, go free rein in terms of the strength of the slap.
Yeah.
Just do whatever feels right.
What feels right, go for it.
Oh, that was pathetic.
That wasn't too bad.
But you know, listen, she really like raised her arm there.
I thought it was going to be quite a bad smack.
Do a slightly harder one.
What are you?
Oh, that was good.
That's correct.
Justice has been done.
It's been a long time coming.
Thank you Andrea.
Could you return to your chair now, please?
Thanks.
Are you happy now?
I'm very happy.
I'm slap happy.
You are slap happy, you lunatic.
But hey Andrea, thanks so much for coming in and bringing the fill liner and doing the slapping.
That's very rewarding.
My pleasure.
Absolutely my pleasure.
Well done.
Yeah.
Shall we listen to Phil now?
Yeah, let's listen to the filter.
See if it's as good as I remember.
The bit I remember is, there's a bit where he goes, I've been spending my life in the old town.
And he sort of goes, old?
He says old in a very odd way.
Old town?
I think maybe that's the middle eight.
Anyway, let's listen to it.
See what you think.
The old Covent Garden.
I remember only two well.
I've been spending my body in the old town.
80s-tastic.
That's amazing.
Yeah, that's got a lovely sort of jubilant, synthy feel to it.
It's got the thing when the horns come in.
Yeah.
After the mid-late.
Oh, it's brilliant.
I thought that was fantastic.
Well done.
Well done, Andrea, bringing that in.
Yeah.
Thank you.
You've made my day.
Lovely to hear that again.
Phil Lynott, that was, with Old Town.
Joe, what have you done?
I was just going to say to the listeners, if you're out shopping and you're anywhere near a bookshop this afternoon, Kylie Minogue has written a book for children.
It's called The Snowgirl Princess.
And it's the biggest load of old rubbish that has ever been launched on humanity.
Come on, it's for children!
Well, if you give this to your child, you might as well be arrested.
It's or it's basically about it.
It's just hideous.
And if you're in a bookshop, I suggest you read it.
Let me just flick through it.
Princess Kylie.
Obviously, Kylie's wonderful and we've got enormous sympathy for her recent struggles, but there's no excuse for producing a book like this.
Here's the first page of the worst story in the world.
OK.
One bright morning, Kylie woke up with bubbles of excitement fizzing inside her just like lemonade.
Now what does that sound like?
She just needs a wee.
She needs a good fart.
Hey Andrea!
Come on, we're finished with you now.
You can't pitch in rude things like that.
Today at last she would stand on a glittering stage and sing to thousands of people.
Slurp.
Something licked her cheek.
Sheba!
Kylie cried, hugging her dog tightly.
So she sleeps with her dog.
Yeah.
It's getting worse and worse, isn't it?
I can't read the whole thing cos it's so, er, long and depressing.
What's the basic gist of the story?
The story is, Kylie is the most shallow woman in the world.
All she cares about is shopping and shoes and being a star.
She's surrounded by people who help make this happen.
But that's the point of the story, as I understand it.
Yeah, but what kind of value is that for little girls?
Well, no, it's saying that Kylie wouldn't be anywhere if it weren't for the fact that she has a showbiz family that do everything... That just pander to her.
The soundcheck man.
No, her stage family.
OK, I don't want to give away the story.
This might be a bit of a spoiler.
But basically, page five, she loses her shoes.
She looks for them.
She gets a bit worried.
page 10 uh the dog had them right she pops them on everything's fine and she does a good concert she does a concert it's heavily illustrated with pictures of kylie that appear to have just been i don't know taken in some cupboard somewhere with an angle poise lamp
and then they've kind of got some very uh they've photoshopped it into a very kind of trippy heavily designed yeah by some very expensive japanese designer right it's it's a stinker folks uh and if you're in a shop and fancy a giggle then have a look for kylie's book this afternoon um all due respect to kylie she's obviously wonderful and brilliant and there may well be young children who would be delighted by the book
I don't know, man.
I think it would turn your daughter into a shallow, awful woman.
Lovely Kylie.
She's tiny.
She's too small.
Someone that small, you're not allowed to be nasty to them.
It's true.
They should have given her away free in the park.
You see, my problem is that I'm very small, but I'm just a little bit too big.
Compared to Kylie, you're like King Kong.
I am, yeah.
She'd be sitting in your lap doing little cartwheels.
In your lap, in your hair.
Well, folks, we're coming towards the end of the show.
This is pretty much it for us.
Andrea, what have you got planned for the weekend?
If nothing better comes along, then it's a trip to Ikea to buy a lampshade.
To buy a lampshade?
That's hot stuff.
That's a long way to go for a lampshade.
Amongst other things.
That's an exciting weekend.
Are you telling me?
Yeah.
I know.
And what's your job?
What do you do, Andrea?
I work for a silk company.
A silk company?
Basically my job is to cut up pretty little bits of material and post it to rich people that don't know what to spend their money on.
Yeah good one.
It's rewarding.
What like swatches?
Yeah that's the very one.
You're the swatch queen.
I am indeed.
And what were you saying about robots?
In my spare time I like to sew robots.
Do you want to see?
Yeah.
I've got one on.
you so robot listen this feels like a personal moment between adam and andrea should this really be going out on the show hey that's good i got given one of those for my birthday seriously i've got one of those in my house i absolutely promise you i've got one of those in my house just like that exactly like that yeah your friends have good
A friend of mine called David bought me that for my birthday.
Where do you sell them?
This is like a little fabric robot made out of kind of shiny silvery fabric that Andrea's made.
And it's a badge, you know?
She's made it into a badge.
It's a robot badge.
A stuffed robot badge.
It's really nice.
Well done Andrea.
Are you responsible for every single one of those?
I am.
Really?
Yeah.
Wow.
Where do you sell them?
Well, I used to sell them in a little shop called Beyond the Valley, which is on Newburgh Street, and one called Appletree.
Come on, this is getting a bit pluggy now.
She did us a favour!
We did her a favour, she got to slap you!
What more could you possibly want?
I got three DVDs as well.
There you go.
What have you got?
So, possibly want more, I got a deep edge for a DVD.
We gave them to her.
Oh yeah, we get it.
I thought she'd bought them.
So listen, it is now the end of the show.
We should thank very much Xanthi, our producer, for producing us for the last million months.
Done a fantastic job.
Thank you Xanthi.
And we hope we'll be back with Xanthi in the new year.
Don't forget, if you're a fan of our sort of random talking, then you can download the Adam and Jo podcast at xfm.co.uk or via iTunes.
I think there's still one new one coming up.
there's one coming out sometime this week apologies again for the tardiness of the recent ones but we've had a lot going on which is why we're taking a break but yeah one more podcast to complete the set after that we may do some more elsewhere who knows we'll see how it goes but thank you very much indeed for listening and for downloading the podcast if you have been we're gonna we're really gonna miss you have we got a record to play yeah we do do you uh do you like john lennon andrea
do you like John Lennon are you gonna play some I'm gonna play some yeah not not imagine although that would have been a wonderful emotional way to leave our listeners instead this is a track called Oh Yoko we'll see you next year hopefully listeners thanks for listening thanks I love you bye